Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
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Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
found this cool rock hiking today
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.