Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
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When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
*looks at you in batman voice*
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.