interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
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Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.