Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
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The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
This took me a second..
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma