If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
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Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
No, I don’t think I will.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?