[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
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Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Today’s Times
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.