With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
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Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Put a ring on it
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*