Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
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Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
put ‘er there pardner!
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British