When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
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There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.