Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
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How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Catering service
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.