If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
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My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.