[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
You Might Also Like
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro