It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
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At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe