Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
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8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers