[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
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Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.