My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
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yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
🤣😈🤣
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.