I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
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HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I identify as an antique shop.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.