I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
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The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.