My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
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Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
The Book. The Movie.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Me, in DM rooms…
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…