Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
You Might Also Like
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Feel. He’s so soft.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.