We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
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I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.