Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
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TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
How to properly lift a body
I’m awake but I object,
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over