My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
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Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.