A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
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I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space