God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
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Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”