Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
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*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00