“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
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I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Trumpy Cat
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
This hospital has everything
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]