Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
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14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it