ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
You Might Also Like
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I can’t stop laughing at this
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok