my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
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THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts