[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
You Might Also Like
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*