Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
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HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Check your privilege
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”