[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
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Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now