I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
You Might Also Like
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.