Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
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Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello