didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
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Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.