gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
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Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.