My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
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Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
two people or more is called a problem
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.