When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
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*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*