welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
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[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer