saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
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I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.