My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
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7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.