It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
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Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.