I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
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whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
my dad has had enough
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.