[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
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2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary