So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
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I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Stop sending me this shit.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”