I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
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PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
What about second breakfast?
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.