We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
You Might Also Like
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.