It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
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I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I am having an out of money experience.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Ain’t no way
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.