I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
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Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Lassie, get help!
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck